Random musings of footballers before they fall asleep...

Louis Saha

OK, so, in retrospect, trying to jump a fence inside a tunnel with my £170,000 Ferrari was a mistake. I mean, yeah, I realize that now. ... But how was I supposed to know that before I tried it? There's no way. ... It's the same with my hair. How would I know that frosted tips would look ridiculous without ignoring the advice of my stylist and doing it myself? ... These are just things you have to try. ... Like eating the pages of a cookbook or flushing your arm down a toilet. ... Anyway, I'll probably buy a new Ferrari and try it again at some point...

Mascot Girl

Oh my god this is awesome! ... David Beckham totally has his arms around me and his wife is going to be super jealous. ... I don't even know what to say to him first -- it's too crazy. ... Maybe I'll tell him his hair looks worse than my friend Dana's and her little brother cut hers while she was asleep. ... Maybe I'll tell him his tattoos look like something my friend Teddy would draw and Teddy doesn't have hands. ... Maybe I should tell him that he shouldn't even try to do the Ancelotti eyebrow because it just doesn't work for him and his bad hair. ... I can't wait to tell US Weekly that we're dating now...

Manuel Neuer

BERZERKER!

Salomon Kalou

Time for my famous disgraces. ... First, Didier stole my catchphrase and has been acting like he invented it when it was really mine first. That's a total Kalouing disgrace. ... Then, I have more goals than Anelka this season and still I don't start every match. That's a stupid Kalouing disgrace. ... Then, the best kitty in the world, Katou, lost a Chelsea pet competition to Didier's obese Kitier Katba. That's an offensive Kalouing disgrace. ... Then, Didier refused to bring the chicken McNuggets I asked him to bring for my Carling Cup final party. That's a disappointing Kalouing disgrace. ... Then, there were those times those two bald referees who probably hate Chelsea just because of Didier cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...

Photos: Getty, Reuters

Related: Nonsense

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Random musings of footballers before they fall asleep...

Paul

Well, I'm dead now. ... You know who saw that coming? Me. ... You know who didn't? Stupid humans. ...Seriously, humans are so stupid that they actually thought a parakeet could predict World Cup matches. Can you believe that? So, so dumb. ... Do you know how many humans it takes to screw in a light bulb? A lot. Because they're idiots. ... Hahaha I should have been a comedian instead of a genius oracle that is always right about everything always. ... Anyway, I'm going to octopus heaven now, which is at least 70 times better than human heaven because we are so far superior to anything with two measly arms. ... We have foosball and all the Sprite you can drink up there. ... So, yeah, sucks to be you. Smell ya later, dopes...

Chris Hughton

OK, why, uh, why is Arsene so close to me right now? ... I just wanted to shake his hand, but now he won't let go and I can smell what he had for lunch. ... Smells like ham and juice. ... This is just getting awkward now. ... It's like he wants to rub noses or something and that is definitely not happening. ... Maybe he's confusing me for Theo Walcott. ... He just keeps grinning and it's really creeping me out. I need to end this now. ... Maybe...maybe if I just rub noses with him a little bit, he will stop. ... OK, I'm just gonna do it. ... I'm just gonna rub noses with him for a second and then run away. ... OK. Let the nose rubbing commence...

Cristiano Ronaldo

Jerks won't let me sit on the stupid bench with them. ... They're all so jealous. ... Just because I'm better than all of them doesn't mean they have to be so heartless. ... Cristiano has feelings, too. ... Feelings of being wonderful and perfect and better than pretty much everyone else. ... And right now those feelings are hurt. ... If I wasn't so confident in my awesomeness, I would probably cry right now. ... But I am, so I won't hahaha. ... I hope I don't have another nightmare where Mourinho is Michael Myers from the Halloween movies and he's coming after me while I'm trying to get a tan. ... I also hope those are just nightmares...

Didier Drogba

Time for the disgraces. ... First, Kalou isn't committed to this hug at all. That's a total f***ing disgrace. ... Then, I played the whole match against Wolves and didn't get a goal, but Kalou scores, like, 10 minutes after getting subbed on. That's an absolute f***ing disgrace. ... Then, I realized that he was wearing my gloves because he said he couldn't find his even though I know for a fact he had them in his bag the whole time. That's a weird f***ing disgrace. ... Then, he offered to drive me home from the match and once we got in the car it became clear that he only wanted to do it so he could brag about his goal the whole way. That's a gloating f***ing disgrace. ... Then, I finally got home and found Kitier Katba had a dead mouse. That's a gross f***ing disgrace. And one that I'm going to put in Kalou's glove. ... Then, there were those times that those two bald refs who probably give out pennies on Halloween cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...

Photos: Reuters, AP

Related: Nonsense

View the original article here